Law is so stupid. Honestly like, come on. How are words on a page even a binding thing?
Property exists by the grace of the law. It is not a fact, but a legal fiction – Max Stirner
This is my steaming hot take. Prepare for one hell of a ghost story.
I’ve always deep down hated authority. I learnt this when at the grand age of 3, my father told me to go outside because I’d been playing my gameboy “for too long” and that it “wasn’t healthy”. My hatred for authority reached higher heights when I wasn’t allowed any ice cream until I ate all my veggies. Broccoli especially. That crap is gross as heck.
Although I clearly hated some forms of authority, I was never really political. Before I considered myself interested in politics I’d have probably been in the authoritarian right area (don’t worry, I know you probably hate past me and I assure you I do too), this was purely because that’s where my dad was. Funnily enough, although I hated authority in some aspects, I didn’t realise I could disagree with my father.
At the ripe age of 15, I started hearing all about this Jeremy Corbyn bloke. The tabloid media said he was evil and a commie. Not too long after I became a member of the Labour party, I actually did end up becoming an anarchist and communist among many other things. The rightwing British media were almost right for once I suppose.
Not too long after I got a job. It’s a pretty crappy job, not going to lie. We don’t get breaks, the hours are long, the pay isn’t fantastic. Somehow, I still enjoy it, mostly because of my fellow colleagues. A couple of them I knew through my childhood. Everyone is nice to me, and I’m well respected. My favourite part about the job though is the free stuff.
Anyways, I originally started just doing weekends so I could do school alongside the job. I was planning on perhaps going to university. Fast forward a couple years, I tried overdosing in a school bathroom on sleeping pills. Suffice to say, my mental health wasn’t great. School was left in the dust behind me.
I stopped working completely, as I was having daily breakdowns at work. My colleagues were all understanding and didn’t put any pressure on me to return too soon. I started trialling different anti-depressants, doing therapy etc. A couple months later, I’m back at work and doing more hours than I’ve ever done. Now this is where the fun begins and where we get onto the topic of egoism.
The Good Stuff
Currently I’d describe myself as a mixed bag of anarchist, communist, syndicalist and egoist. Perhaps I just like collecting different labels, I have always been a hoarder. So, imagine a young boy, going back to the workplace with these fresh ideas in their head. It’s time for some good ass praxis!
Going back to the free stuff, in our contract we are only entitled to certain stuff, but my ego entitles to me whatever I want! My colleagues and I decided without any formal discussion that we’d set up our own spoop-busting gang. We started pushing the boundaries of what food we took (we started technically stealing from our big boss, who we’ve never actually seen and is just Big Brother for all I’m concerned). Food was constantly put in the oven by “accident”, creating spare food which had to be eaten or thrown out.
We started coming up with clever ways of beating the system to get free drinks. One of us would pay for a drink, get a receipt and get their drink. Each of us, when we desired, would go on the system, edit the receipt to have our name, print it and get a drink.
We figured out where blindspots for cameras were. These were utilised to sneak stuff out. If there was something we wanted and there was a camera facing it, we’d all gather for a “discussion” and get in a group to talk to each other about something. This would block the camera, allowing a fellow prole to get ice cream for everyone without being seen.
Our pettiness rose. We’d take small things like pens home so we didn’t have to buy any. My hope was we’d bring capitalism to its knees, one biro at a time.
I remember being in a situation where I was antagonising over whether to waste supplies to try and undermine capitalism, or whether to be not as wasteful and try and save the environment. I stood by the bin for a solid 5 minutes trying to figure out whether it was worth destroying capitalism at the cost of destroying the environment also, or whether to persevere the environment and capitalism both.
We also found out that we could get breaks which we should be entitled to through clever methods. We would make sure to drink a lot, which besides being healthy and keeping our human parts nice and wet, would mean we needed to pee more often. This gave us each time to go to the bathrooms for a bit and look at some memes or some such.
Bish Bash Bosh, All Done
Work has now progressed to the stage where we almost compete to try and take as much as we can. I find laws completely immoral, therefore by breaking laws, no matter how petty, I see myself as moral.
I’m not going to lie, I came up with the idea for this post when I was walking home from work at 3am in the rain and it sounded so much funnier and entertaining in my head. I wanted to make a somewhat comedic post about the activities I do at work. I always find I’m not as happy with things when I’ve finished them.
To end, I’d like to leave you with this
Whomst’ever knowest how to take, defend, dat ice cream, dat ice cream belongs to him